Christmas Jokes
Here are some bad Christmas Cracker Jokes.
I've only got Christmas or winter themed ones here - as I like them the most!
If you know anymore bad Christmas jokes (that are clean!), please contact me, so I can add them to the page!
Jokes
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
Why did Santa go to the doctor?
Because of his bad "elf"!
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!
What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws!
What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
How you can tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What do ducks do before their Christmas dinner?
They pull Quistmas Quackers!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!
What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!
What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump?
Santa laughing his head off!
What is Santa's favorite place to deliver presents?
Idaho-ho-ho!
What is Santa's Favorite model railroad scale?
HO, HO, HO!
Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it 'soots' him!
What does Santa pay every month?
Jingle Bills!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What's Santa's favorite type of music?
Wrap!
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf center!
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
Why is Santa so good at karate?
Because he has a black belt!
What do you call Santa when he's got no money?
Saint-NICKEL-less!
What do you call Santa when he loses his underwear?
St Knickerless!
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!
What is Santa's favorite Railroad?
The Santa Fe!
How does Santa keep track of all the chimneys he has been down?
He uses a log book!
How much does Santa have to pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It's on the house!
Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies!
Who brings soda on Christmas?
Fanta Claus
What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!
What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you like, they can't hear you!
What kind of cars do elves like to drive?
A Toy-ota or an Elfa-romeo!
Who is the king of Santa's rock and roll helpers?
Elfis! (Thank you, thank you very much!)
What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?
Platforms!
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!
Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!
What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause!
Who is Santa's least favorite reindeer?
Rude-olph!
What is the name of Santa's meanest reindeer?
Olive. "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...!"
How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Who is the Music Elf's favorite reindeer?
Dancer!
What do elves post on Social Media?
Elf-ies!
Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most?
Rude-olph!
why don't reindeer like picnics?
Because of all their ant-lures!
What game do reindeers play at sleepovers?
Truth or deer!
What do you get when you cross a deer with rain?
A reindeer!
Where do Santa's reindeer stop for coffee?
Star-bucks
What one of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
Rude - alph!
What do you call a scary reindeer?
A Cari-BOO!
What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
To deliver presents!
What is a reindeer's favourite Christmas song?
We wish you a Merry Christmoose!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did Rudolph get in trouble for his report card?
Because he went down in history!
Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!
What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you!
What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
Is it going to rain dear?!
What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
Santatizer!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't chicken!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle
How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Iceburgers or Brrrr-itos!
When is a boat just like snow?
When its adrift!
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
What did one snowman say to the other?
I couldn't hear them, so I have snow-idea!
Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose!
Why is winter a snowman's favorite time of year?
It is when a snowman can camouflage!
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank!
What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?
Chill!
What do you call a snowman who vacations in the tropics?
A puddle!
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
Because Frost bites!
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!
What is an art museum called when it is made out of an igloo?
The Ig-Louvre
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
What do fish sing at Christmas time?
Christmas Corals!
What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?
Quit hanging around!
What is a Christmas Tree's favorite candy?
Ornamints!
Why are Christmas Trees so fond of the past?
Because the present's beneath them!
What do you get when you cross a pine cone and a polar bear?
A fur tree!
Why wouldn't the cat climb the Christmas tree?
It was afraid of the bark.
Why didn't the rope get any Christmas presents?
It was knotty!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What did one mince pie say to the other?
Nothing. Mince pies can't talk!
What did the green present say to the red present?
Nothing. Presents can't talk!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How does Christmas Day end?
With the letter 'Y'!
How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
25 - there's "no EL"!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
Why do cats take so long to wrap presents?
They want them to be purr-fect!
What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
What type of bug can't remember the words to carols?
A humbug!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad!
How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes 'ribbet ribbet'?
A Mistle-toad!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it's cool!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
Why was the Advent Calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered!
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!
What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other Christmas tree?
"I wish Christmas would last forever because there would be no Sep-timber!"
What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!
Where does Mistletoe go to become famous?
"Holly" wood!
What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!
Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole?
No well, no well!
Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!
Why do penguins swim in saltwater?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Why did the Gingerbread Man go to the doctors?
Because he felt crummy!
What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!
How did Mary & Joseph know how much Jesus weighted when he was born?
There was a weight in a manger!
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!
What type of key do you need for a Nativity play?
A don-key!
How did one shepherd make the other shepherd laugh?
He played a sheep trick on him!
What did one Angel say to the other?
Halo there!
What's the name of the one horse in "Jingle Bells"?
Bob. (Bells on Bob's tail ring!)
What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas song?
Jungle Bells!
What is the most competitive season?
Win-ter!
Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
Because there's wrapping!
When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!
Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Pudding
Pudding who?
Pudding in your face!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hanna
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Harold
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!
Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."!
Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
Did you know that James Dean didn't believe in Santa? He was a rebel without a claus.
There were two biscuits, on a plate, all ready for Santa to eat. One biscuit decided to go and hide in the biscuit tin as it didn't want to get eaten. As it was going to the kitchen, Santa came in and stood on it and all the other biscuit could say was 'Crumbs'!.